The actions that help you relax without hesitation are permanent habits that people develop from either a hard place or a warm place. These vices allow a person to escape for a minute or a moment, to distract them from a situation and to allow them to breathe.

For me I developed a habit as a form of escape from situations and avoid life. For hours at a time I will get in my car and drive around the boarders of my city listening to music and smoking an endless chain of cigarettes.

The action of driving gives my body the sensation of running away and starting a new life. Although I am not running away, just skimming the edges of the city it gives me the release of stress knowing that I am not where I was only a moment ago.

A collection of CD’s absorbs the back seats of my car. Hundreds of albums play in the background to the memories and daydreams that are haunting my mind. Though the music for a good majority of the time may be sad it helps the progression of the problem. Emotions aren’t valid unless you address them and music is the gateway to moving forward.

I never smoked until I owned a car. I never really wanted to do it but the peer pressure from high school of fitting in and making friends dragged me under. I was easily manipulated into thinking that it was something that was cool, something that would make people see me as something more then the dorky quiet boy I was. My car allowed me to hide the habit from my family and friends who didn’t approve. Smoking became an escape procedure when I realized that I could just leave and take a five-minute break and get out of a problem, discussion or away from person I didn’t want to deal with at the moment. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to quit? What would I do to escape if I didn’t have an excuse?

The harmful repercussions that the habits of driving and music bingeing may not be as clear as smoking but there are consequences to every action. Driving eats a hole in my bank account and in the environment. Trying to afford the amount of gas it takes to have those escape moments can be hard and when money gets tight the stress builds high. Music may open the mind to memories and connect you deeper to your emotions but I tend to dig a little too deep into the meanings and lyrics of the songs. Bringing up thoughts I buried deep and cemented over, creep their way through the cracks causing more damage than what was planned. Smoking slowly eats away at every part of my body causing permanent damage. I can write that thought and say it out loud a hundred times and it won’t impact me enough to take away my escape. I want to quit but at the end of every day nothing is more satisfying then a slow song and a cigarette.

Finding new routines to develop is difficult and unsettling and is not easy to adapt. Until I can find something that provides the same amount of release and relaxation I don’t see any way out of a harmful habit. As much as change looks appealing and getting on track to a healthy life is needed, determination just isn’t enough motivation.