The monster within

“Just learn to smile, and in a while, you’ll find trouble’s a bubble of air.” Jiminy Cricket

You may not know me, but oh, I know you.

I know the monster you’ve placed inside of me. I know the feelings of inadequacy that has intertwined with every inch of my being.

I know the permanent scars that live inside, not visible to an untrained eye. I see the unrealistic standards you set for my beauty and the underlying demons that accompany it.

When all of us were children, we would look in the mirror and see ourselves how we truly were: human and beautiful.

As we grew older, we took more notice of what the world views as beautiful and somehow convinced ourselves that we didn’t measure up. 

Our blatant inequalities constantly hounding us.

Hurting us. Destroying us.

It’s hard to ignore, isn’t it? It’s that pulling sensation from somewhere deep inside. 

My own personal version of Jiminy Cricket.

Convincing me that somehow I am not enough.

 I let my cricket guide me down all the wrong roads for years. Constantly looking through the eyes of someone who measured her self-worth in a mirror.

 And then it hit me, like a semi-truck.

My identity does not come from the red blotches on my cheeks or the size of my thighs; I identify with the love I have for others, and the positive attitude I possess every day. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve myself, but, loathing that jiggle around my stomach and constantly putting myself down because of these things was really the thing that hurt me the most.

Would I hate someone because she wasn’t perfectly fit? Would I hate someone if her looks were “below average?” 

Absolutely not!

 Then why did I hate myself for the same things?

 It’s taken me a lifetime and a lot of work, to be okay with myself and to not rely on the opinions or validation from others.

I had to sit in the soup and make forward progress only to cha-cha backwards and then forwards again.

But after all this time I can proudly say, I don’t give a damn what anyone says about my body because I am beautiful.

I have talents, traits and abilities unlike anyone else. I am uniquely me.

And I love it.

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