As we speak, every cosmetic surgery clinic in Los Angeles is fully booked by actors and actresses who want to look pubescent again. It’s Oscar season again and Meg Ryan and Burt Reynolds couldn’t be more excited. Currently, they’re probably getting “one of everything” at the surgeon’s office.
When Martha Stewart goes to a party, she fills a tray of éclairs. When Meg Ryan and Burt Reynolds go to a party, they fill a tray of non-existent wrinkles, making them look like their natural mother is Madame Tussaud.
The Oscars are one of the most glamourous nights of the year and while I could care less about the movies, I’ve always been fascinated by what Hollywood is wearing, the shade they throw and the smack they talk.
There are always two people I look forward to seeing most at the Oscars, Sophia Loren and Diane Keaton. They rarely appear in films, so the Oscars is the one way I’m able to make sure they’re alive and breathing. I also watch to see if Diane Keaton still wears those horrible circular glasses with the purple-tinged lenses that always make her look similar to Ozzy Osbourne in bad drag.
Sophia Loren had an amazing film come out this year called Nine. If you didn’t see this Broadway musical, turned film, you missed out. Featuring an all-star cast, including Kate Hudson, Fergie, Penelope Cruz, Dame Judy Dench, Marion Cotillard and Daniel Day-Lewis, it was perhaps my favourite film of the year and it was snubbed from the best picture category.
This year, Oprah will be in attendance at the Oscars for her movie Precious. Yes, you heard right. I’m guessing she’s going to let Gayle out of the attic for just one night, give her glass slippers and a curfew of midnight. Those ivory floors don’t clean themselves.
I still haven’t seen Precious, but expect that it will sweep the Oscars. So I guarantee that I, like every other Hollywood junkie, will end up watching it in the near future. I’m sure it’s a surprise to you all that I haven’t forked over five dollars at the theatre to see it yet, as usually I support anything and everything Oprah puts her mighty name on.
It’s getting to a point where, when I look at my bank statement, I see deductions with the titles car insurance, cell phone, student loan and Oprah.
Yes, she’s making direct deductions from my personal bank account now. I think I actually bought her a diamond-encrusted, platinum toothbrush holder last week for guest bedroom #6.
If I’ve taught you anything with my columns, it’s that Oprah works her way into all facets of life. If I’ve taught you anything else, it’s that you should always express yourself, don’t repress yourself.