I was raised in a Catholic household. The topic of being transgender wasn’t even an option because even the word transgender might as well have been a different language.

When I was young my mom sat me down to tell me the facts of life and what to expect as a maturing young woman. I was so upset. I sat down on my bed and started to cry.

I wasn’t sure what to expect by being a biological woman but the prospect of having breasts absolutely terrified me. I prayed to god countless nights that he could make an exception for me.

Needless to say, that didn’t happen and I matured as intended. I didn’t feel the same way until almost eight years later.

I was walking to school and it was the middle of winter. It was freezing outside. When I got inside my face started tingling and I reached up expecting to touch hair that had magically grown on my face. I was mortified for a moment when I didn’t feel anything and I felt upset for weeks but I had no idea why.

The reason I didn’t think about transitioning right at that moment, is because I had no idea being transgender was an option. I was never told that I could be who I wanted to be in that way, but the idea was not widely accepted then either.

The same familiar feeling came when it was time to graduate high school. I wanted to wear a suit so bad, but my mom was so distressed by the aspect of her little girl not wearing a beautiful gown. We went dress shopping. I literally would have said yes to any of them. Every time I tried one on, I wanted to throw up. It took us one hour to find a dress for me to graduate in.

For most of my life after this instance, I was miserable. Nothing was ever okay and very few things made me happy. Even hobbies and activities that I usually enjoyed seemed pointless. I survived until I turned 20.

I hadn’t really spent much time on the internet and when I finally had my own wi-fi to explore the internet at will, I came across individuals that were transitioning on Instagram.

I thought the folks I talked to were so brave. I asked a thousand questions to those I interacted with, but I pushed away the idea of myself being transgender. This was because I was so afraid.

I was afraid of what my mother would say and I was especially terrified of what my father and sisters would say. I admired them so much and the prospect of them rejecting me was so powerful, I would rather live in misery than live without them.

I was also scared of how my peers would react. Nothing was more terrifying than not having friends. Who wants to be friendless and lonely? I legitimately thought that if I were to transition everyone in my life would leave me.

Being dependant on medication was another one of my fears. I had the fortune of good health pretty much all throughout my life and I didn’t want that to change. This was founded by poor education on the subject, but it was still a legitimate fear.

Sometimes I am still afraid. Our rights as humans seem to be optional to some. None of our rights seem like they are solidified.

Politics and media have not been kind to transgendered people until recently. Even right now with Donald Trump in office attempting to take human beings rights away has tarnished our community.

What made me finally decide to go through with medical transition was actually video footage of me. One of my teachers asked me to walk up the stairs to show the class how to shoot a video properly. We looked at the footage in class and I have never been so close to tears in public before.

I couldn’t breathe as I looked at this person with a different perspective. They were trying so hard to be someone they weren’t. They had experienced a majority of personal life in pain. The solution was there but they were too busy living someone else’s life and pretending it was enough. The most disturbing part about it was I didn’t recognize myself in the video.

It was like I was watching a video of someone I had never seen before.

When I finally made the decision to transition, a ton of weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn’t just going through the motions anymore, I was allowed to participate. I was born all over again and I was ready.

I have been medically transitioning for almost a year now and I have never been this energetic about life. There are many things I still worry about, but I am happy to finally feel like myself.